Is it hard for you to reach out for help when you have a need?
I’ll admit it’s hard for me. When the oven needed cleaning, I removed the lower heating element. The wires on the element disconnected. I tried to fix it but eventually had to get a repairman. Three hundred dollars later I realized I was a victim of my own DIY pride not to ask for help!
The apostle Paul faced a dark time when he was imprisoned in Rome. He was guarded by a Roman soldier under house arrest. He suffered from illness as the cold came to his lodging. He knew the cold hardships of the Italian winter months would be brutal. He felt exhaustion and times of anxiety as the citizens reacted to rumors about the strange new cult that followed a prophet named Jesus. He felt the sting of betrayal and disappointment as some he called friends turned against him. He needed help, so he dictated a letter to his beloved son in the ministry, Timothy. His words ached with need and longing.
“Do your best to come to me soon … Only Luke is with me… When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, also the books, and above all the parchments… Do your best to come before winter.”[1]
It generally is a good thing to try and work through a problem on our own. We can learn new skills and further our own sense of agency. But there comes a time when the challenge has exceeded our limit. We need help. The mountain looming is just too much. Then it’s a wise thing to step back from our pride to ask for help. We don’t like to admit our shortcomings but the need to solve a problem or do a task is more important than our pride.
Dr. Brene Brown offers, “One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on ‘going it alone.’ Somehow, we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves… When we attach judgment to receiving help we knowingly attach judgment to giving help.”[2]
Defining what we really need offers a starting point. Others will never know unless we communicate clearly. That clarity guides us toward the right person as well. I have friends who could never help with my oven repair but are a whiz at handling the money to pay the bills!
Paul asked Timothy to bring his books, his parchments and his old cloak. Chuck Swindoll imagines Paul’s thoughts, “I need my cloak. It's an old thing but it's been on my back through many a bitter winter. It's been wet with the brine of the great sea, white with the snows of the rugged peaks of Pamphylia, gritty and brown from the dust of the Ignatian way, and crimson with my own blood from that awful stoning at Lystra. The cloak is stained and torn, Timothy, but winter’s coming and I need the warmth it will bring.”[3]
The determination to ask for help reflects a sense of our personal value, a recognition that our life is important enough to merit attention from someone else. There’s no need for shame when we need help. In fact, it’s an indication that we’ve had the ambition to stretch into something new. That ambition is a positive trait that expands our capacities.
We must also admit asking for help is a risk. A response may not come, leaving us wondering what happened and why. This fear of being ignored or rejected can trap us in our frustration, leaving the task undone. That’s the worst outcome but it may be tempting to just give up. Despite the uncertainty, however, asking for help is worth the risk.
Sometimes we do need things. But was Paul asking for more than things? I wonder if the Apostle really wanted Timothy himself to come. They had been through so much. They were linked together in the ministry of Jesus, sharing struggles and joys. Now the older man admits his lonely heart. He wants his friend at his side in the hard days that are coming.
Swindoll imagines the weary apostle’s thoughts, “But Timothy, I need you, how desperately I need you! Make every effort to come before November's winds strip the leaves from the trees… Come my friend, for the time of my departure has arrived. Soon the blade will drop and time for me will be no more. I cannot bear the thought of winter without the warmth of your companionship… with the words only you can bring to get me through this barren and bitter season.”[4]
Yes, it may be harder to admit we need a presence. Doing a task is important. But taking care of our emotional needs is essential. We need the personal contact, the smile, the hug, the tears of compassion to revive our weary heart. Maybe it’s a visit from a son or daughter that we long to experience. Perhaps it’s the companionship of a friend whose love across the years has been a pillar. Deep down we need to see that person face to face to replenish our dry soul. It’s okay to be human and ask, “Can we get together?”
Did Timothy hear the request from his friend and make the sacrifice to come, bearing the few possessions Paul desired? We don’t know for certain. Yet perhaps the inclusion of this letter in the treasures of the first century church says the call was heeded, granting Paul the network of support needed to endure the dark winter. We can imagine the old cloak resting on his shoulders as he faced with renewed vigor more days of ministry.
The letter sent from Rome centuries ago echoes our deep need for support and connection today. Today that need may be calling out in your life. Don’t allow pride or self-depreciation to stifle your voice. Your call may just find that willing friend to lift the burden of a dark, cold season with the warmth of help!
[1] 2 Timothy 4
[2] Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing, 2010. P 20
[3] Charles R. Swindoll, Come Before Winter. Multnomah Press, 1985. P 13
[4] Ibid, p 14
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